Yesterday, as I was leaving my office after 6pm for the second time in three days*, I whipped out my trusty cell phone and dialed up good ol’ J.

“It’s payday, and I’m going to The Maxx**. Gotta get new sunglasses.” I yelled into her voicemail, over the sound of my tires, screeching*** as I peeled out of my office parking lot.

Minutes later, she was calling me back. She might have been screening my calls, but I knew this was an offer she couldn’t refuse. We agreed to meet up at my apartment, and drive over together. I was glad to carpool, because gas is $2.95 a gallon right now, y’all!

I busted up into TJ Maxx like Britney into rehab—pissed off, in a bad wig, and ready to take what I wanted and get the eff out. I kind of had my mind set on a good pair of sunglasses, with a pretty reputable name. In the back of my head, let’s be honest, I was thinking Chanel. I know it’s a long shot, but the last two times I’ve been in this particular TJ Maxx they’ve had Coach bags and Bulgari wallets. It’s possible, is all I’m saying.

Well of course, there were no Chanel glasses to be found, but lots of other good brands. Because I had a little of the devil in me, and there were some well-dressed ladies in the place giving us the evil eye for dominating the sunglass racks, I started purposely mispronouncing the brand names whenever possible. (Kenneth Cole is the only one for which I haven’t been able to come up with a good mispronunciation.) This is a game I started playing when I lived in Santa Barbara. It is amazing how many people buy this act.

“I really wish they had some Chanel,” I remarked, calling it “Channel.” J looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I winked, and she caught on.

“Here’s some nice Dolce and Gabbana (Dolss and GAB-uh-nuh)!” I yelled, sticking them on my face.

“Those are nice. What do you think about these Tommy HilFINGER for me?”

“Those are nice… OH SNAPS, GIRL!!” I yelled. “Here go some Versace (vur-SAYS)!”

At this point, J was laughing so hard that she kept knocking multiple pairs of sunglasses of the rack every time she touched it. “Stop throwing sunglasses at me!” She yelled. “If you don’t like them, just put them back!”

I howled with laughter, but the lady at the jewelry counter eyed the phone. Worried that she’d call security, we decided to call it a night. In the end, J got those Tommy HilFINGERS and I settled on a pair of MAX Studio glasses. They weren’t my favorite, but they were only $10 and they’ll do. I’m still holding out hope for some Channel.

*Yes, I’m bitter about this.

**This totally reminded me of “The Maxx”, favorite after-school hangout of the crew from Bayside High.

***Hahahaha. SCREECH.