Thanks to the lovely ladies over at Country Girl/City Girl, I now know that…

Elementary School Badge

(FYI, you can test your own blog here.)

Well, this post ain’t gonna help*. It’s Friday, and I’ve got a headache, so friends, I’m not going for quality.

Those of you who have known me for a while know that I find a lot of humor in others’ misfortunes. It’s true. And there’s nowhere in the world that I find more humor than in police blotters. When I worked at UCSB, I took particular delight in the way that the staff there re-wrote the blotter in a more anecdotal (and also sarcastic) tone. They were kindred spirits. Now that I’m at Duke, I have no such place to find my joy, but I am subscribed to the daily police report email, and every so often there is a gem like this one:

11-03-07 at 8:37 a.m. Wannamaker Dr**. An underage student was cited for possessing 804 cans of beer.

It’s so simple, so understated, and yet so brilliant. 804 cans of beer, and yet no hint of the incredulity that the officer most certainly felt. (I’ve worked with a lot of college students and seen a lot of stupid things–including a hot tub made out of an inflatable swimming pool in a dorm room, but I have never, ever found one student with 804 cans of beer.) And who counted the 804 cans? Ok, maybe they were in cases and so they only had to count cases but still. Holy crap. I am in awe of this nameless undergrad.

I mean, really, my mind is racing with questions. What type of vehicle does it take to transport 804 cans of beer back to campus? Was it all done in one trip? Did the people at the grocery store not say anything when they saw this massive amount being purchased? Or did they have to go to many different stores to get this much? Seriously, I cannot get over this. I am completely fascinated by this one ballsy kid at Duke.

Slightly less fascinating, and definitely more unintentional in the humor department, is this announcement from a local bookstore (which I love, but I can’t understand why they would host something like this):

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 14, 7:00 p.m. At Jones Auditorium, Meredith College. Jenna Bush will discuss ANNA’S STORY: A JOURNEY OF HOPE, a moving portrait of a 17-year-old single mother in Panama living with HIV. Bush will donate her proceeds to UNICEF. Tickets are $5, or free with the purchase of the book. NOTE: The Secret Service is strictly enforcing security: No one will be admitted without a ticket; the doors will be open at 5:00 p.m. and be closed by 6:45 p.m. NO ONE will be admitted after this time. All bags and purses will be searched. No bottled liquids allowed. COME EARLY! (emphasis not added)

Since when did the Secret Service start taking cues from the TSA? Why are we not allowed to bring bottled liquids? So as not to lure the notorious young lush*** away from her security detail with booze? She and the kid with 804 beer cans should totally hook up.

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*And thanks to to Sassy for inspiring me to take pride in my elementary-reading-level badge. 🙂

**How much fun did we have with this street name while in college, by the way? Wannamaker? I hardly know her! Ok, so maybe the elementary school reading level is warranted.

***And I know she’s supposedly this newly demure engaged woman who is out to save the world. But still. This is the woman who got busted for using a fake ID–not once, but twice–in a city where she had just recently vacated the Governor’s mansion and a country where her father was the FREAKING PRESIDENT. Once can be attributed to the stupidity of youth, but twice is just pure stupidity.

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