I think my love-hate relationship with my alma mater is well-documented. Last night, as I hinted in my book journal, I had the amazing privelege of getting to attend a Duke basketball game. Not only that, but our seats were incredible–at center court, between the Duke and New Mexico State benches, and right behind the scorer’s table. Basically, I was a few feet away from all the players as they checked in to play. There was only one thing that could detract from our good time… We were sitting right in front of several Typical Duke Students.

Let me just say that when I was a Duke student, I was really offended by the stereotypes about Duke students–that they all drove BMWs and were from New Jersey. (I didn’t have a car and was from South Carolina. And none of my friends drove fit the stereotype either.) At the same time, I recognized that there was a very visible, very vocal minority on whom that stereotype was based. In my current job, I interview (and sometimes hire) a LOT of Duke students. And I can tell you, that the entitlement and the snobbery of Duke students has increased by several thousand percent in the past 10ish years. Even those from less priveleged backgrounds take on this air of entitlement and become absolutely insufferable.

So, this is what I mean when I say I was sitting in front of the Typical Duke Students. They were constantly hurling insults at the New Mexico State players, their coach, and the referees. They were just being general assholes, but since most of the players and the coach from NMSU were black, many of their insults were thinly (and sometimes not-so-thinly) veiled racist epithets that I cannot even bear to write here*. Even the men sitting at the scorer’s table–the men who operate the clock, communicate with the TV trucks, keep stats, and announce the game, who have worked these games for years and years–kept turning around and looking at the guys, hoping they would just shut the hell up.

Now, Cameron Indoor Stadium is known as a hostile environment for other teams and the Cameron Crazies are famous for their witty insults. And I know that’s what these guys thought they were doing (they were clearly amused and satisfied by their performance). But every time they opened their mouths, I could feel my blood pressure rise. I tried to ignore them–I didn’t want these little jerks to ruin my enjoyment of the game–but during timeouts, I found myself seething and imagining ways to tell them off. Finally, I came up with the best one–it was so good, I didn’t even need to say it out loud–and after that, I was satisfied and amused by myself, too.

It was, you guessed it, “YOU PUT THE DOUCHE IN DUKE!”

I think this little insult will come in very handy. I can use it any time I attend a Duke Basketball game, or when the bratty Duke students cut in line in front of me at the Target, or even whenever I see someone parking their SUV with a Duke sticker sideways in two compact car spaces. Oh yes, I think this is such an inspired bit of word play that maybe I won’t even mind having to put up with the douche-y Duke students from now on…


*They did have one very funny insult. One of the guys on the NMSU team had dreds, and when he was shooting free throws, they started chanting, “Where’s your bobsled?” In doing so, they referenced what is, in my opinion, one of the finest examples of American cinema.